Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Beauty of Big Families

This piece came to mind today as I am heading off to meet my five older sisters tomorrow for a weekend in Atlanta. It is quite dated, originally published in May, 2002 in Memphis Parent. In fact, two of the families mentioned have gotten even bigger, as the Hatchers now have six children and the Averys have (brace yourself) ten!

My conclusion hasn't changed though--even if big families are loud, messy and expensive, I still think they are beautiful!


Being the baby of eight and the mother of nine, I know a little about big families: Thanksgiving turkeys that scarcely fit into the oven, litter strewn living rooms at Christmas, and a grocery bill that often exceeds the mortgage. But not until my mother was diagnosed with cancer did I truly understand the elements that make big families beautiful: humor, teamwork and strong relationships.

When chemotherapy made turbans a necessity, my sisters and I grabbed my dad and had a fashion show. Enter the first necessity for belonging to a big family: a sense of humor.

Are they all yours?
Jim Avery, Arlington father of eight kids ages eight weeks-12 years, says his sense of humor often comes to the rescue when he’s headed toward the boiling point. “Just last week,” says Avery, a professor at Creighton College in Memphis, Tennessee, “after a twelve hour day of teaching, I came home at 10:00 p.m., looking forward to a quiet dinner. When I walked in, the kids were still up and my wife was exhausted. I announced that I needed to throw a brief pity party, then I put the kids to bed, fixed my dinner and straightened up the house.” Avery stresses that humor is part of the color of life in a big family.

Anyone who has more than two children is routinely barraged with personal questions. But when the quota begins climbing to four or more, the comments can become exasperating—if you let them. When people comment on the size of her family, laughter comes easily to Jim’s wife, Linda. When approached with, “Are all these kids yours?” she retorts, “These are only the good ones—I left the bad ones at home.” Avery, who had planned on an engineering career, says the birth of her first child made her realize that the blessing of children far exceeds any salary or career trek she could pursue.

Going Against the Flow
While some couples don’t set out to have a myriad of children, others plan on a big family from the beginning, largely because of their own childhood experiences. Memphis parents Laura and Jeff Hatcher’s decision to have five children stemmed from Laura being an only child and not wanting her own kids to feel as isolated as she did. “I was an only child of an only child and I had nobody to learn to share, fight or negotiate with. I knew I had missed something,” says Hatcher, “and I didn’t want to pass that down to the third generation.”


A Joint Effort
So how do you match socks for twenty feet? Get five kids where they need to go? Ration enough hot water for seven baths?

“We are a team,” answers Carla Lytle, Memphis mother of eight children ages 4-17. Lytle says she and her husband, Quinton, pastor of Mighty Fortress Community Church, divide and conquer. “After dinner, for instance, one does the dishes, the other gives the baths. And the children do a healthy share of the housework, rotating chores so everyone will know how to do every chore in the house,” says Lytle, adding that a little extra effort after the kids are in bed makes a huge difference in the way she feels in the morning. “While I could sure turn in right behind the kids, I find that staying up just an extra half hour to get the house in order makes me feel much better than that extra half hour of sleep.”

“Be organized!” declares Laura Hatcher, whose strategy is to get the kids started on their chores right after breakfast before they begin their home schooling day. “Everyone helping out is essential to the household running smoothly, and kids—be they from large families or small—are done a disservice if they aren’t taught to work as a team.” Activities are limited for sanity’s sake, but when they do overlap, mom and dad go two different directions, again illustrating the importance of teamwork.

While it is often assumed that moms of large families are always ultra organized, this assumption can be misleading. “My strategy,” says Pam Flynn, mother of five boys ages five to twenty, “is having six of everything so you can always find one of something.”

The Glue That Holds
Children relish time with their parents, and though they may never have trouble finding a play mate, kids from large families are no exception. With so many daily responsibilities calling, though, how are relationships cultivated?

“It’s complicated,” admits Pam Flynn. “You have to let little stuff go--don’t worry about how many Lego’s your tripping over, but sit down and play with the Lego’s instead.”

Linda Avery seizes the moments that present themselves throughout the day. “Grabbing a ten-minute game of ‘Go Fish’ means a lot to my four year old, while my three year old wants me to read at nap time, and my eleven year old really opens up to me at night.”
“Though housework and schoolwork are always calling, making time to develop strong relationships is the glue that holds us together.”

“We grab a chunk of time with the kids whenever we can,” says Laura Hatcher, who utilizes errands and activity travel time to talk with children individually. Trips to the grocery store, the library, and the bank all hold windows of time that might present opportunities to pass down real life lessons, especially as kids get older.

With the demanding schedules of so many, parents of large families must be diligent to maintain their relationship with one another. Carla Lytle is adamant about a decent bedtime for the kids, and admits that date nights come easier now that her teenagers are eager to baby-sit for pay. Jim and Linda Avery share a ritual of having coffee together twice a day—a cup before he leaves and a cup when he gets home. “When you have a big family, you have to find relaxation in very small things,” says Linda.

Being from a big family teaches you to get along in the world. Flexibility is forced upon you, and responsibility is an expectation of every day life. You get accustomed to sharing everything, and rarely expect the pace to exceed that of a tortoise with a limp. Most of all, being from a big family carries you through the inevitable obstacles of life.

When my brothers and sisters and I congregated around my dad as he said goodbye to his wife of fifty-one years, he leaned on us. As we said goodbye to our mother, we leaned on each other, the gravity of the moment allayed only by our number.

Never has a big family looked so beautiful.

Sidebar: Big Family Facts
Linda and Jim Avery: eight children ages 8 weeks to 12 years
$700 month on groceries
four loads of laundry a day
Six gallons of milk, six loaves of bread, three dozen eggs
Laura Hatcher: five children ages two to twelve
$800 month on groceries,
Two loads of laundry a day
3 gallons of milk and two loaves of bread, 11/2 dozen eggs a week
Pam Flynn: five boys ages five to twenty
$600 a month on groceries
Eleven loads of laundry every other day
Quinton and Carla Lytle: eight children ages 4-17
$1200 a month on groceries,
three loads of laundry a day.
6 gallons of milk, six loaves of bread, two dozen eggs

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