Why Manners Matter

With the holidays come company, and company calls for manners (though they certainly should be used everyday, too!) This piece appears in the current (November) issue of Memphis Parent Magazine.

“What do you think about America?” I asked our new Korean friends during a recent dinner together.

“We love America,” the husband replied, “but they do not teach their children manners.”

His answer didn’t surprise me, but it did make me more determined than ever to ensure my own children know how to act properly. I had to check myself: my two year old does take frequent breaks from the dinner table, and I often spot my children’s elbows where they shouldn’t be. On the other hand, my kids do ask to be excused and clear their plates when they’re finished. Nevertheless, I have decided it is time to fine tune the manners at our house, so I found some local experts to learn how to better tackle the task.

Why manners matter
“At minimum, manners are a social lubricant,” stresses Carole Troutt, wife of Rhodes College President Bill Troutt. “You really are doing your kids a favor, giving them a leg up, when you teach them proper manners,” she says, adding that for young adults, introductions are an almost an every day occurrence which makes first impressions awfully important.

Elaine Addison, professional nanny and author of Mrs. Poppy’s Guide to Raising Perfectly Happy Children (Collins) agrees. “Not only do manners help build a child’s self confidence, but well mannered children make friends more easily because they consider others’ feelings.” Addison urges parents to invest in their children’s confidence by taking the time to teach basic etiquette “so they will know who they are.”

Modeling Manners

Just why are manners so grossly absent from many kids today? “Kids are often given stuff to take care of them instead of actual parenting,” says Addison, “and people get confused and think that stuff will work, but it won’t. Parents should make manners absolutely nonnegotiable, and that takes time.”

Manners don’t come naturally, adds Addison, whose daughter, Elea, is 22 months. “She can be like a Danish Viking at times,” Addison jokes, “and it takes a tremendous amount of patience, repetition and modeling to instill proper behavior.” Since children copy what they see, she adds, the first step toward instilling manners in your own children is having them yourself. “Even the youngest children can be taught by example in simple ways such as greeting people and saying please and thank you.”

Children will model bad manners just as easily as good ones. Consequently, Addison recommends parents keep young children away from rude TV. “I was once a nanny for a very aggressive child,” she says, “and it didn’t take long to realize the movies she was being exposed to were the source of her behavior.” Since children don’t have the judgment to decide, they need the guidance and input of their parents. I have friends who won’t let their kids watch Arthur, for example, because of the way Arthur and DW pick on one another. While I don’t ban the show, I do interpret as we watch, pointing out when the characters should be kind to one another.

Teaching manners to young kids shouldn’t only be about do’s and don’ts. “Parents forget to have fun with their children,” admonishes Addison, “and with ages five and under, teaching manners can easily be made into a game.” Addison suggests using role play and toys to instill table manners and proper greetings, practicing skills such as looking people in the eye and sitting properly at the table.

Parents with older children shouldn’t abandon the idea of instilling manners. For the over five set, Addison says parents should bring consequences into the picture. “With iPods, computers and cell phones in very young hands these days, there is so much out there to take away,” she says. “It is never too late to curve the bad influences. Habits happen if you insist on proper behavior.”

Troutt concurs. “I don’t think it’s ever too late to learn. In fact, for our seniors, Rhodes career services hosts a couple of dinners through the year and uses them as refresher courses on the basics like which fork and spoon to use. There is always a waiting list; young adults seem eager to hone these skills.”



Sidebar: Age Appropriate Etiquette

Sources:

Debbie Neal, Founder
The School of Protocol and Etiquette
7592 W.Farmington Blvd. #115
Germantown, TN 38139
901-756-2688
memphisprotocal@bellsouth.net

Dr. Jeanne Sheffield, author of Gracian de Paul: Transforming America’s Youth
The Grace Place: Voice, piano, social skills and etiquette for children, teens and adults 323-9100.


3-5 year olds
• Sit in a chair with napkin in lap
• Master fork and spoon with ease (a five year old can use a knife with adult supervision)
• How to use napkins and what to do with them after a meal
• Passing food; polite conversations.
• Telephone etiquette, including 911 calls
• Introductions and handshakes
• Eye contact.


Ages 6-8
• Eye to eye contact
• Firm hand shake
• Learn how to introduce anyone to another person.
• Good sportsmanship
• Leaving an out going message proficiently on an answering machine.


9-12 year olds

• Successfully complete a 5 course meal
• Set the table and how to "read" their silverware when they come to the table
• Know the basics of the menu prepared for them.
• Signal to the waiter that they are finished with their meal
• Thank you note writing

13-17 years olds (as well as all of the above)
• Can negotiate an 8 course meal if necessary
• Good posture
• Know introductions well (handshake, eye contact, proper greeting)