Helping Kids Avoid Burnout

I came across this piece written several years ago and thought it was timely since school just started back up. With seven kids still at home, I have two football players, three in soccer, one ballerina, one drummer and one violist. Toss homework and an infant in there and life can be utter chaos! This piece appeared in Memphis Parent, though I can't find a date on the original clip. (Incidentally, the ambitous dancer mentioned is now a soloist for American Ballet Theater in NYC (http://www.abt.org/dancers) and the spokesperson for Payless Shoe Source Spotlight shoes-- to boot!



Parent to Parent: Helping Kids Avoid Burnout

“When we leave ballet, she does her homework in the car on the way to piano,” I overheard a dad say in the lobby. At the time, I confess, I couldn’t believe he would allow his child to be so busy. Now that I have a few years of parenting under my belt, however, I’m posing a different question: How can I avoid it?

Baseball, ballet, scouts, homework, church activities, music lessons. It’s a fact: kids are busier than ever. Unfortunately, it’s not always healthy, says Dr. Floyd Covey, Ph.D., a practicing psychologist in Memphis. Parents must be cautious of placing unrealistic expectations on their children, says Covey.

To help your kids avoid burnout, follow a few simple guidelines.

Take Off the Pressure
When kids perceive that busyness pleases their parents, says Covey, they begin to experience burnout—functioning because parents want them to instead of for the joy of it. Parents must be cautious about conveying the message the busier the better. “This can be done,” says Covey, “by placing two or three activities before kids and allowing them to choose one.” Covey adds that it is difficult for children to know how to pace themselves. By parents taking the initiative and doing the pacing for them, they affirm to their kids that it is okay if every moment isn’t filled with activity.

Set Some Rules
Susie Carlson, Cordova mother of three, relies on a few house rules to protect her kids from burn out. By only allowing them to do activities with friends one night per weekend, she says, they get the quiet time they need to wind down from a busy school week. “And,” she quickly adds, “we don’t own any electronic games such as Nintendo or Play Station, and we own very few computer games.” By setting limits on her kids’ busyness during their downtime, she helps them maintain a balanced schedule, which, hopefully, they will carry into adulthood.

Wait a while
Do kids really need to start gymnastics at two and piano at three? Do they need to start t-ball before they start kindergarten in order to keep up when they’re older? Bonnie Bagwell, an Atlanta mother of two, says no. While her son, Alex, has always been involved in at least one sport at a time, she postponed the demanding schedule of football—often five nights a week—until his eighth grade year. Not only has it made him more eager to do well, she says, but also he is not burned out, as are some kids his age. “Starting older seems to have made him want it more, and he is doing just as well as his peers who have been playing for years” she says. “With all the choices kids have today, it is easy for them to overdo it at an early age, and I don’t regret his ‘late’ start.”

Listen to Your Kids After seven years of ballet, just prior to getting “on Pointe” (up on her toes), my daughter, Bethany, began to repeatedly say she wanted to quit. I confess at first I resisted. All I could see was the thousands of dollars, not to mention hours, I had invested in my little ballerina. I reluctantly resigned myself to letting her quite, however, and now I am glad she stopped before even more money and hours, and the pain involved in learning Pointe. She simply does not miss it and is happy to have the freedom to pursue voice and drama. If your child’s interests are starting to expand, take the time to re-evaluate her likes and dislikes.

Drastic Measures
Former Memphian Melinda Lane says that sometimes even one activity can consume a family, as by the time her daughter was in high school, she was dancing 30+ hours a week. Being a professional dancer has long been her daughter’s dream, she explains, but when school demands combined with the rigorous ballet schedule pushed her stress level to the max, she knew something had to change. “When Sara said she felt like crying all the time,” says Lane, “I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum: decide if she wanted to continue in dance and be home schooled in order to make it manageable, or quit dance, stay in public school and go on to college.” She chose the dance, and has been grateful for the freedom to focus on ballet.

Organize
Perhaps you, as I do, have a child who doesn’t fill his social calendar to the max. Though some kids schedules may not be as full as others, homework alone is enough to hurl them headlong into burnout. What’s more, kids who prefer a more relaxed pace may be even more susceptible to burnout than those who enjoy constant activity. Keeping them organized is one way parents can help. I go through back packs the minute my school age kids come through the door, for instance. Forms are signed, checks are written, back packs are repacked and ready for the next day. Encourage your child to take initiative by packing their backpacks at night with everything from pencils to lunch money. In addition, teaching them good time management skills can give them an edge over lengthy homework assignments.

It’s a parent’s job to help children find their niche, allowing them to dabble in a variety of activities so they can discover their talents and say to themselves, “Hey, I’m good at that!” In between events, though, kids need time to relax, to think, to just be plain bored. Without this down time, stress will undoubtedly invade and steal the simple pleasures of being a kid. The simple pleasure, need I remind you, that each of us may indulge in only once.

Sidebar: Symptoms of Burnout (Source: Dr. Floyd Covey,Memphis, Tennessee)
Because kids don’t know how to pace themselves, you may need to intervene if you observe one or more of these symptoms:
Irritability
Disinterested in School Work
Withdrawal
Alienation
Unprovoked Crying

The Philosophy of Football

With September being the start of football season all across the country, I penned my thoughts on the sport when my sons began playing. Despite the ongoing controversies in the NFL, I still like football and think it benefits young boys tremendously. This piece originally appeared in the September, 2003, issue of Memphis Parent.



My childhood was immersed in football. Both my brothers played, and my dad whooped and hollered in our living room every time the Redskins were on TV. I was even a cheerleader. So being the mother of five sons, one might think I had an inkling of football in my future. I didn’t, however, and it wasn’t until two of my boys decided to play one year that I became aware of the intensity of the sport. Not just the physicality on the field, but the dedication that goes into practice as well.

My high schooler, for instance, had summertime workouts five days a week. They were considered optional until August 1, but those who wanted to be ready for that first kick-off were there. At summer’s end came a week of two-a-days, then with the start of school, practice until 6:00 p.m., Monday-Friday. My ten-year-old also practiced five nights a week, even during school until the season starts. Football jerseys, I've concluded, are earned.

In my early years of parenting, I would have immediately dismissed the possibility of so much busyness. I can hear myself debating, “Driving kids to practice every night? Pads cost how much?” and thinking parents who do it must be out of their minds. I even plead guilty to raising my eyebrows at my football mom friends as I witnessed how much money and time they invested in the sport during the season—to say nothing of the risks of injury I thought they were taking. I’m afraid I have to call time out and take it all back; as now that I have become one of them—a football mom—my eyes have been opened to the impact this sport can have on the lives of kids.

From the stands, or the living room, football appears to only be about winning, loosing and hitting. But to the participants—be they players, parents or coaches—football is about teamwork and reaching goals. It is local business owners supplying everything from ice to gear, and booster clubs that transform mild mannered mothers into fund raising maniacs. Football is about coaches who offer kids a physical slap on the back or a verbal kick in the pants-whichever is needed most at the time. It’s washing muddy practice jerseys Monday through Friday and helping at carwashes on Saturdays. Football is parents working together and setting an example that in turn, encourages kids to work together.

For years my boys have played soccer, baseball and basketball and received a lot in return. But never have they participated in a sport that required so much from them—strength of body as well as mind. Football has expanded their boundaries and changed their whole concept of being a team player. "I've never seen such team work," my oldest son stated shortly after joining the team, "I didn't even know it existed."

Football coaches speak a language that mothers just don’t speak—or sometimes shouldn’t speak, my son reminded me with a knowing grin. Nevertheless, coaches give a constant reminder to my boys of their capabilities, and that football is about excelling. He teaches them that goals are reached yard by yard, and dedication and discipline are two key ingredients to achievement.

"How was it?" I asked my ten year old as he exited the field after practice.
"Great! I wanted to tackle and I wanted to be tackled; I got to do both."
You can learn a lot about life from football. Sometimes you tackle—hit hard but play fair. Sometimes you get tackled—roll with it and get back up. Stay positive, even when you’re losing. Be a team player. Push yourself beyond that which you think you are capable. When you fumble—and you will—own up to it, but finish the game.

Football is not just a sport, it’s a philosophy. It’s a way of thinking that is steered by grit and staying power; a state of mind that champions perseverance and determination. Being a football mom has convinced me the positives of the sport far outweigh the negatives. And the philosophy of football is one that I hope my boys carry with them years after they've left the field.